040: A F.E.W. Essentials to Add Longevity to Your Friendships
It's amazing how when you were younger your entire world revolved around friendships.
Hopefully you had a "tribe" you did life with then and hopefully the same is true now as you're older (and wiser, of course).
But honestly, things may have changed with time.
You went from a tribe of maybe five to 10 to perhaps now even fewer close yet (hopefully) dependable friends.
Aging shifts the scope of your friendship circle.
And the fact that it's maybe shrinking just a tad is not only normal but could actually be a good thing.
"...by middle age, everyone lives on their own, with their own families and their own jobs and their own hobbies and their own vacations. Therefore, fairly late in life, you have to teach yourself to deliberately make time and space for friendships. That means, schedule and plan social time. Create or join social groups that meet regularly. Go out of your way to make sure you’re getting steady face-time with certain people." 1
That "deliberate" effort that Mark Manson mentions in his above referenced article speaks volumes about what's necessary to build and sustain friendships as you age.
Manson is spot-on..."making time and space for friendships" becomes more of a reality in the second-half era of your life.
Failure or frustration in the friendship space happens because your relational margins are a bit stretched - family, career, thoughts about or the reality of retirement, these and more deplete your energy.
The more you age the greater the likelihood that those failures and frustrations squeeze out any remaining energy you have for building a tribe of quality (not soul-sucking) friends.
Growth and longevity in your friendships is about the f.e.w. not the many
Social media has trained us to think in terms of high "friend" or "follower" numbers.
But generally speaking, there's nothing in those numbers that indicate anything other than quantity.
Sure, the numbers create a relational-cushion when you're in pinch.
Social media connections do give you an instantaneous opportunity to toss out a prayer or help request, a job need, or an unspoken SOS when necessary.
But when push-comes-to-shove in your life it's the few not the many who authentically reach out.
Building and maintaining a tribe of a few good friends is where the real work of friendship happens.
The f.e.w principle creates the margin you need to build deep, lasting friendships.
- Discovering that good friendships really are about you (but not like you think)
- Managing the one thing that does damage to most friendships
- Doing what's necessary to ensure that your friendships can weather the storms (inside and outside the relationship)
The f-ocus of good friendships IS about you
The gift of good friendships is that we don't have to fly through life solo.
But...
Until you're comfortable and confident flying solo you won't be confident enough to fly with others.
This is about needing friends but not being needy in your friendships.
The less comfortable you are in your own skin...standing alone...outside the circle the less confident you will be inside the friendship circle.
Neediness extracts too much energy from those around you.
Are you...you alone...sucking-the-air out of the rooms you walk into?
- Focus on developing high-levels of self-awareness - in this context that's the ability to know when you're being needy instead of simply relating to and needing your friends.
- Focus on the timeless and simple fundamentals of friendship - time, talk, trust - these are worth the effort and create relational longevity.
Your e-xpectations influence the quality and sustainability of good friendships
No one begins a friendship expecting to be rejected.
Rejection is real and you should expect to feel it on occasion - even in the best of friendships.
Because you're flawed (always remember this) and your friends are flawed (everyone is human) the likelihood of occasional or ongoing rejection is high.
- Go into all friendships with your expectations centered around the realities of human interaction - it's messy at times (but worth it).
- Own your emotional scars, wounds, and weaknesses that could positively or negatively influence your friendships (share them but don't overshare them).
- Realize that ultimately your friendship expectations - and the tension they can create - must be filtered through face-to-face interaction and not (only) through digital or social interaction (this is significant because we are so accustomed to texting our thoughts without vital, in-person follow-up).
The w-ork is essential to good friendships (but don't make it so hard)
And the work I'm talking about here starts with...you!
- Work on yourself: be winsome, willing, and worthy of the time your friends spend with you.
- Work on not trying so hard: be available but not taken advantage of and be accepting without keeping friends at arms-length.
- Work on your space-time-continuum: invest time creating space for new friends, space for your friends to be themselves (flaws and all), and space for disagreeable moments.
- Work on your influence: be a giver not a fixer.
Friendship is a long-game and the meaningful f.e.w. stick around for the long-haul...if you balance the necessary give-and-take.
- Focus on your role (needing friends but not being needy)
- Expectations set the tone for your friendships (remember we're all human)
- Work hard at your friendships (but don't make it so...hard, that is)
Press on...
Eddie
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